Who stays together for life?
Valentine’s Day is upon us again. But what does it really take for couples to stay together for a long time?
Saturday 14 February is Valentine’s Day, when we are supposed to celebrate love. You may like it, or feel like the whole thing is humbug, but for the sake of peace of mind, it is probably smartest for people to consider giving their partner chocolate and flowers anyway.
But what exactly is this thing we call “love”? What is it that makes couples stay together for life?
“Love is a three-legged stool,” says Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair at the Department of Psychology at NTNU.
Love is a combination of passion, closeness and commitment
“Love is a combination of passion, closeness and commitment,” he said.
A three-legged stool cannot stand steady if one of its legs is missing. It needs all of them. But the three legs of the stool of love are important in different ways.
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It often starts with passion
“Passion is especially necessary at the beginning,” Kennair said.
Relationships change. Passion can fade, but in a strong relationship, commitment and closeness can take over. Illustration photo: Colourbox.
In the initial phase of a relationship, when we are trying to get to know each other better, passion is often the most important factor. Couples can be infatuated and are often particularly sexually active.
But passion can’t be everything. Some people become almost addicted to falling in love. They want first and foremost the initial high. Emophiles are people who easily fall in love all the time, and who can be in love with the infatuation itself.
“Emophilia is often not a good starting point for a long-term relationship,” says Kennair.
Emophiles may also be more likely to cheat later on, and infidelity is one of the most frequent reasons why couples split up.
The other legs become more important
But in long-term relationships, the other two legs of the stool become much more important, Kennair says.
“The relationship is changing. Passion wanes, and obligations and closeness take over,” he said.
That doesn’t mean that passion is unimportant.
“Passion is still important to maintain your sexual life. If the passion reaches a freezing point, it means something,” Kennair said.
Closeness becomes much more important in a relationship over time. This is what often helps keep couples together. Illustration photo: Colourbox.
A completely passionless relationship can quickly wear out. But obligations and closeness usually become a much larger part of a relationship.
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The more joint commitments, the more people stick together
“The more commitments people have together, the more often they stick together,” says Kennair.
Commitments reflect a much more down-to-earth situation than the initial infatuation in a relationship. But this is where the relationship is transformed into something else. Shared children, a common household and the like become increasingly important for a relationship to last.
Kennair refers to two large studies in which researchers have examined conditions in 45 different countries. They looked at what makes people stick together and what is common and different for different cultures. But the same factor comes up time and time again. And this is where closeness between the individuals becomes important as well.
You don’t leave your best friend
Many couples never have children, but still stay together because they enjoy each other. The closeness is so important to them. Of course, this also applies to those who have children together.
“A lot counts in a relationship. We talk about stability, friendship and community. We can add closeness, cooperation and being best friends,” says Kennair.
As obligations change, the closeness between the individuals in the relationship is strikingly important.
Because what happens the day the joint household debt is more or less paid off and the children move out to be on their own? As obligations change, the closeness between the individuals in the relationship is strikingly important.
“If the relationship was built around the children, many couples have to find something extra to spend their time on,” Kennair said.
Then it is often important to have common interests, such as travel, the same sense of humour, music or whatever. Individual differences strongly come into play. Some people want a high degree of independence and freedom, and that can work well, while others want to do everything with the other partner. But a lot is linked to how close the couple is.
If you’re best friends with your partner, it takes a lot for you to break up.
References:
Sorokowski, Piotr; Kowal, Marta; Sternberg, Robert J.; Aavik, Toivo; Akello, Grace; Alhabahba, Mohammad Madallh. (2023) Modernization, collectivism, and gender equality predict love experiences in 45 countries. Scientific Reports. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-26663-4
Sorokowska, Agnieszka; Saluja, Supreet; Sorokowski, Piotr; Frąckowiak, Tomasz; Karwowski, Maciej; Aavik, Toivo. (2021) Affective Interpersonal Touch in Close Relationships: A Cross-Cultural Perspective. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220988373
